I know a guy who’s always having conversations with me to which I’m not privy. He comes in here ready for an argument. He’s already decided what I’m going to say, and he wants me to know that he’s all ready for me, pre-pissed. I think he actually hears voices. Thank God for cell phones. Now he can talk all he wants and seem normal.
This guy is a genius. He works alone. The guy sits in his underwear all day, every day, at his computer. He does all right, moneywise. But he thinks he actually works with people. He thinks he has them all figured out. It’s no wonder he’s crazy. That’s the thing with these guys - they’re socializing without pants.
I invited him out with some girls who work for my cousin, who would rather drive 40 miles for a pizza than eat the pizza my cousin makes, which has a thick crust and government cheese, which my cousin uses because the people like it. And let me tell you, with fresh tomatoes and hot pepper, it’s a winning formula.
My cousin loves pizza, which he doesn’t trust himself to make properly. And he would be foolish to try, since anything that might interrupt the flow of people lining up for what he does make would be foolish indeed. So we go out for pizza a lot.
We drive halfway to Atlantic City and this computer guy is chatting-up the girls like Frank Sinatra. I’m so glad for him. Real girls, very cute, heading out in my cousin’s van, which seats 11 pretty comfortably, 12 if you’re cozy, which we were. And don’t worry - my wife was there.
This guy is talking constantly about computers, smart phones, Pods, Pads, reading devices, the whole 21st century picture, as it were. And he tries to do it with a certain flair, like it’s all witty and fascinating. Once he started to predict the future, the girls’ eyes started to glaze over - and we’re still on the Blackhorse Pike. I thought to myself: this poor bastard is never going to get laid.
When Dancing With The Stars was raised as a subject, he dismissed it out of hand as an unworthy topic. By the time the pizza arrived, the only person left to talk to him was my cousin, who doesn’t have a computer but who is always very nice, especially with the elderly and the disabled. Which is not to say that this guy can’t be rehabilitated into society. He just has to get out more.
